Cutting Ice: A Sports Romance Read online

  “Was it hard?” he asked, finally breaking the silence. I nodded.

  “I spent a lot of time going back and forth about the decision,” I continued slowly, realizing that this was the first time I’d really spoken to anyone in Kingstown about how I had ended up here. “But I knew it was the right one. It had always been nagging away at the back of my mind, the knowledge that that’s what I should have been doing. It sucked, but…I had to. Because I wasn’t going to grow sticking with everything that I already knew.”

  I sucked in a sharp breath when I was done, and reached over and turned off the Dictaphone. I knew that anything we were going to get now would be about me, and I had no interest in transcribing all of that bullshit when I got back to my hotel room. He looked up at me, and I could tell what I’d said had shaken him slightly. He had that look in his eyes, that distant look that I had seen so many times in my own, that told me he was lost in thought about something bigger than both of us.

  He got to his feet suddenly, making me jump. Our eyes met, and I felt that jolt of attraction once again, the reminder that yes, this chemistry we had wasn’t going to go away. For a second there, I’d felt like his career counselor, but now I was firmly back in the camp of feeling like a teenager with a crush on the biggest jock in school.

  “I should probably get going,” he muttered, making for the door. I didn’t stop him. I had plenty to work with off the interview he’d given me, and besides, it seemed like he needed some time to think about what I’d just dumped on him.

  “See you tomorrow,” I replied, watching as he made his way out into the corridor, and that mesh of emotions sprang up in my head once again. Jesus, what was I meant to do about this guy? I felt like he needed my push into something he couldn’t do himself, but then, I wanted him to stick around here as long as I was; the thought of him leaving me here without….without, well, him, was too much to bear.

  I shook my head to myself as I flipped my notebook closed and grabbed my recorder. I barely knew this guy. I was acting insane, and I knew it. All that I needed to do now was focus in on the story, and make sure I got out of here with my heart intact--because two heartbreaks were more than I could handle right now.

  Chapter Twelve

  I drove out of town again--this time, further than I’d been in months, maybe even years. I didn’t make much of an effort to leave Kingstown. Why would I, when everything I’d ever wanted was right here where I needed it? But I needed to escape. I needed to remind myself that there was an existence beyond the corners of this place, just like Emily had done.

  Her words were pulsing around my brain. How could she just up and leave like that? Even though it scared her? Even though it meant her boyfriend would dump her? The thought of leaving coach was hard enough, let alone dumping all my friends, my family, my partner just to pursue some dream.

  A dream. There was a word I hadn’t used yet, but I knew it was an accurate one. The chance to go play with the Soars, that was the kind of thing I would lie in bed and fantasize about when I was a teenager, well, that and Kate Upton, but you get the idea. I thought about triumphantly leaving Kingstown, about proving my parents wrong, about going all the way to Philadelphia and making a new life there, one that I could be proud of. And it had all seemed so obvious back then. I hadn’t considered what it would take for me to get to that point. I guessed I would just be handed everything I wanted without building any kind of friendship, any kind of fondness for this place, and then skip out without a second thought. In reality, though, it wasn’t that easy.

  What was it Emily had said? She had told me that she wasn’t going to get anywhere by sitting around in what she was comfortable with. And I knew what she meant. Every time I had grown up by another little increment, it had been because I’d forced myself to do something I didn’t want to do. Leaving my parent’s house, finding my own place, fighting for my spot on the team--none of these things I would have chosen if I’d had the choice, but, as it turned out, they helped toughen me up. Harden me. Turn me into the kind of person that I was today.

  The roads were clear. It was early enough in the day that the rush-hour traffic hadn’t really begun yet, and I was enjoying the peace and the solitude the miles of empty freeway were offering me. If I left here, it would be all go, all the time. I’d visited a few cities in my day, passing through on my way to see friends in other towns, and the sheer speed of everything there was intimidating. Emily must have found life in Kingstown so utterly boring in comparison to what she’d known before. Maybe she thought of me in the same breath, a small-town boy from a small-town team who refused to take the chance to go anywhere or do anything that wasn’t guaranteed for him.

  That stung. I didn’t like to think of her considering me like that, as part of this little, back-end town, a go-nowhere, do-nothing jerk. Maybe I was nothing more than a rebound bit of fun to her, a way to get over her ex. I stared out at the road, half-blank, and wondered if she was thinking at me at that very moment. And if she wasn’t…why was I thinking about her?

  It was just that she was different. That was the main thing. She was so far removed from every other person in this town, not just the women I’d hooked up with over the years, but everyone. She did what she wanted, was rebellious, got out when she wanted to, and refused to look back or regret her decision. She was chasing a story, and nothing was going to keep her from getting it: not me, not the pain etched on her face when she talked about the past, nothing. And I couldn’t help but respect her for that, and wonder if she was the person I should be listening to when it came to making a decision like this one.

  I spotted a sign for a diner at the next exit, and I felt my stomach rumble. Fuck, I was starving. I took the turn, and pulled to a stop in the parking lot, stepping out of the car and heading inside to grab something to eat.

  I had a vague memory of being here before. Maybe on the way back from a family visit, when I was a kid? I seemed to remember the counters being higher, and my Dad being there, ordering some food for us before we climbed back into the car and headed home. God, was there anywhere I hadn’t been around Kingstown?

  I ordered a coffee and some chicken and waffles, and slid into a small booth attached to the all of the diner. It was quiet. There were only a handful of teen girls picking at their fries and milkshakes, and a guy around my age sitting at the counter. I noticed that the guy was looking at me, narrowing his eyes as though he was trying to remind himself where he’d seen me before. I briefly met his gaze, and felt a jolt of recognition, but I couldn’t place him. Probably just some guy I’d seen around town over the years, no big deal. I turned to the window and stared outside as the sun rapidly sank behind the horizon, the light turning dusky over the parking lot.

  I sensed someone approaching my table, and turned around with a smile on my face, hoping that my food had arrived. Instead, I found myself faced with the guy who’d been sitting at the counter and watching me a few moments ago.

  “Hello?” I offered him a greeting, and a big grin spread out over his face as he seemed to finally figure out where he’d seen me before.

  “Shit, man, it is you!” he exclaimed, loud enough that the waitress behind the counter turned to see what the commotion was. “I knew I recognized you from somewhere!”

  “Uh…?” I managed, and he shook his head, trying to reel himself in.

  “Sorry, you probably have no idea who I am,” he apologised. “I’ve been following the Crows for a whole season. It just took me a minute to recognize you outside of the helmet and everything.”

  “Oh!” I blinked up at him, surprised. I was used to getting recognized once in a while, but not this far out of town. “Good to meet you.”

  “Aw, man, this is awesome!” he shook his head again, apparently in disbelief. “Can I get a picture with you? My girlfriend’s going to be so jealous.”

  “Uh, go ahead,” I managed, standing up so we would be on the same level. I appreciated his support, but I just wanted to be left alone to e
at my dinner in peace. He pulled out his phone, slung his arm around my shoulder, and snapped a shot of us.

  “Thanks, man!” He stuck his hand out to me, and I shook it. “Good luck with the rest of the season!”

  “Thanks,” I nodded politely, and watched as he went back to his seat, raising his eyebrows and already on his phone again, probably texting the picture to his friends. Well, I guess I’d made his day.

  I sat down again, and before I knew it, the waitress had arrived back with my food.

  “You’re that guy from the hockey team, right?” she remarked excitedly, looking down at me as though she was trying to convince herself that she’d seen me before.

  “Uh, yeah, that’s right,” I agreed, eyeing the food in her hands and urging her silently to just put it down so I could eat.

  “Then this is on the house,” she grinned broadly, and placed the food down in front of me. “Chef insists.”

  “No, please, I couldn’t do that-“ I tried to insist, but she held her hand up, silencing me.

  “He won’t take no for an answer,” she raised her eyebrows at me, as if daring me to say anything different.

  “Okay, thank you,” I nodded at her thankfully, and turned my attention to my food, hoping she would take the hint and give me some peace to eat. She paused for a moment, hovering for another second or two as though hoping I might talk some more, and then left.

  I tucked in, eating hungrily and quickly, and all too aware of the eyes on me as I went to town on my food. The discomfort was palpable. I had never noticed it before, how uncomfortable it was for me to sit here under the watchful eyes of all these people who had opinions on me and what I did and where I was going and what I wanted to do. Even though they probably thought of me as nothing more than some mild local celebrity, it still stripped away what little privacy I had.

  I finished up, and left a twenty-dollar note tucked under my plate and hoped that they would at least accept it as a tip. I really didn’t feel as though I deserved any of this.

  As I climbed back into my car, I sighed, and started the ignition. I still hadn’t made a decision, and this little excursion out of town hadn’t helped. It had only underlined what my life would be like if I stayed, and I wasn’t sure that was doing me much good. I pulled out on to the road, and found myself faced with miles of traffic backed up halfway along the freeway.

  Chapter Thirteen

  I paced back and forth across the tiny space next to the bed in my apartment, and wondered how long I was going to be there for.

  I didn’t hate this place. In fact, I was growing to like it more than I expected. But Sam was starting to take over the story, and I couldn’t have that.

  I liked him--a lot, actually. He was smarter than he made out to be, and expressive, and funny, and so fucking good in bed that sometimes it made my head spin just thinking about it. But…this decision. I knew that whatever he chose, it would be the climax of my story, but more importantly, it would change his life forever. I knew I should have been able to keep my professional detachment, but I was getting embroiled in his personal life and I didn’t want that. Or did I? Was what was going on between us just me getting too involved in the story? Or was it something more? Would there still be something between us if we had just met at the bar instead of at the rink? I couldn’t be sure, and I hated myself for it.

  I had never felt this way about anyone before. Sure, I’d met some cute guys in the time that I’d been reporting, and some of them I had even reporting on, but I had been dating that entire time, I wasn’t looking for someone to date. I couldn’t tell what was just me focusing in on the story, searching out the narrative of the piece I was putting together. I needed some time to figure things out, needed to get to know him outside of the rink and my Dictaphone. But how could I do that?

  I decided to head out for a drink. I had spotted a chic-looking bar on one of my drives about town, and I needed a beer just to help clear my head. Counter-intuitive? Probably, but I would deal with that later.

  I walked through Kingstown, appreciating the hustle and bustle around me. I loved to people-watch, and, as people left their day jobs and others started their night shifts, I had a great opportunity to squeeze some in. But, instead of making me feel better, it just made me feel more alone. Back in the city, the people around me reminded me of my friends and family, the people I grew up with and loved. When I looked at the people here, I was reminded just how far I was from home, and just how little I knew anyone or anything about this place.

  I arrived at the bar after a few minutes’ walk, and, as I walked through the door, I felt myself relax slightly Yeah, I was still far from home, but I could recognize a fancy cocktail bar when I saw it, and this place was about as fancy as I would find in a town like this. I wondered whose idea it was to open a bar like this, all polished wood, neutral colors, and light jazz playing in the background, but dismissed the thought at once. Stop overanalyzing, and just have some fun.

  I ordered myself one of their most expensive craft beers, and took a long sip. Well, as long as I wasn’t playing city-prices rent, I might as well spend my money on something a little more exciting. I closed my eyes as I drank--mmm.

  “I haven’t seen you around here,” A voice came from beside me. My eyes flipped open, and I found myself staring into the face of a kindly-looking older man of about fifty or sixty.

  “I’m new,” I replied by way of explanation. “I’m doing a story on the Crows, so I’m only here for a few months.”

  “The Crows!” The man’s face lit up and he shook his head. “Damn, it’s been a long time since I thought about them.”

  “What do you mean?” I asked, leaning forward with interest. Yeah, I knew I was meant to be here to have fun, but when a tantalizing little titbit like that dropped into my lap I couldn’t really ignore it.

  “I used to play for them,” the man spread his hands widely with a big grin of his face, obviously proud of his announcement. “When I was in college.”

  “Really?” I cocked an eyebrow, and wished that I had brought my Dictaphone with me.

  “Oh yeah,” he nodded. “In fact, I played for them for a few years.”

  “What was it like?” I asked eagerly.

  “Back then?” The man took a sip of his drink. “Not much. We had a good time, but it was barely more than an amateur league that we played in. I think most of us were more in it to find drinking buddies than we were to win any trophies.”

  “What do you think about the team now?” I continued, trying to take mental notes of everything he was telling me.

  “I haven’t been to see them in a long time,” he admitted with a shrug. “I left town a long time ago, I’m only back here tonight to visit my sister and her kids.”

  “Oh, really?”

  “Yeah,” he nodded. “That’s why I quit the team in the first place, actually. Because I wanted to get out of here and that was the only thing keeping me tied down.”

  “That’s interesting,” I mumbled, half to myself, and suddenly wished Sam was here. If he could hear what this guy was saying…

  “But those new kids, I bet they get to travel all over the place,” he perked up. “All over the state, I’d wager!”

  “Yeah, I think they go a bit farther afield now,” I agreed, and then looked back at my drink.

  “I’ll leave you to it,” the man bowed his head, as if sensing my need to think about what he’d just said. “Let me know if I you think of any more questions for me!”

  “I will!” I smiled as he made his way to a small booth on the opposite side of the room, glad to be back in my own head once again.

  Everything that I heard in this place, added on to my own experiences, made me want to go to Sam and beg him to get out of here. There were better things to do with his life- no matter how much he liked this place, no matter how much he thought he wanted to stay, he must have known as well as everyone else did that if he remained in Kingstown then nothing would change.


  I finished up my drink and ordered another. I knew I was probably going to get a little drunk that night, but it was fine, as there was no training the following morning. I might go for a drive to the local library and see what they had on the Crows, but in the meantime, I planned to get pretty fucking drunk to try and fix all the memories that were parading around my head non-stop. My life back home, whatever was happening with Sam, this place, my last place--not to mention where I would go when this was all over. The reality of the situation was beginning to set in, and it frightened me, serving as a reminder that not everything got wrapped up neatly by the end of the episode.

  By the time I got home, I was staggering on my feet a little. As soon as I was through the door, I reached for my Dictaphone and put on the last interview that I had done with Sam. I listened to his voice echo through the room, with mine intercutting every now and then to ask for a clarification or point him in the direction that I knew I needed. I still cringed every time I heard myself speak. I did my best to focus in on Sam, and found myself lost in the excitement in his voice, the enthusiasm, how much he loved this and how much he needed it. He couldn’t just stay here. There was more to him than that. There had to be.

  I reached for my phone impulsively, and pulled up his number. Was I really going to do this? I stared at it for a few seconds, and then dumped it back down on my bed. No, I wasn’t. Because I had already tried my best, and it hadn’t worked. He needed to come to the conclusion himself, and it was clear that nothing I could do was going to convince him.

  And then, the phone rang.

  Chapter Fourteen

  I took my time getting back into town, and even once I arrived, I had no damn clue what I was going to do with myself. I knew I needed to talk, knew I needed to share with someone the revelation I’d had stuck in traffic on the way back from that diner. I couldn’t keep it to myself any longer.